Currently Listening The Passion of the Christ (Score) see related

Satan has been attacking me this summer.

And there are some battles that I have let him win.

Last semester in school, I felt like Satan was attacking me in every area of my life. And sometimes I felt like I was drowning underneath the crashing waves that he was sending my way. I looked forward to summer break every day because I needed rest. I was exhausted spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, academically, socially... All I wanted was rest, which is a spiritual discipline that God has been calling me to and I have been resisting for a long time. I finally wanted what God wanted for me...rest.

But this summer has been far from rest. I decided not to get a job or an internship or go on a mission trip. Every effort I made to do any of those things yielded no fruit. And in my heart I knew it was because God knew what I really needed and He knows how stubborn and persistant I am and how much I just want to be in the spotlight doing things no matter how exhausted I may be. He knows about my ego problem.

But even though I have had so much more time to myself, so much more time to rest, I have not rested because Satan is attacking me. And I let him get the best of me sometimes. My soul is heavy within me. The weight of it is so overwhelming that I can actually feel it physically. It's like a 50-lb. brick is stacked on top of my lungs. It's a struggle to breathe, and I can feel my burden with every breath I take. Sometimes it's as if I can feel the angels and demons around me, battling over my soul, and although I know that God wins in the end, I sometimes catch myself feeling helpless and wondering, "Who's winning now?"

Satan has used the time of rest that God has given me, and he has turned it into a time of despair and loneliness, a time for me to wallow in self-pity. He has covered me in a thick fog of negativity; I feel as if I'm suffocating and I can't find my way out. Everything around me is covered in this fog of negativity as well, and my outlook on life and everything in it has been affected by this.

But today as I felt the battle going on around me, as I felt helpless and burdened and overwhelmed, something deep within me called out, "Why is Satan attacking me? So many times I have turned my back on God and let Satan win, but yet the devil fights dirty and keeps coming back to battle time and time again, often kicking me while I'm down, trying to keep me there. Why has Satan come back to attack me again all the times when I have given up and let him win?"

And the answer spoke to me so softly and quietly that I almost didn't hear it, "Perhaps you are a more valuable tool for God than you realize."

The battle music escalated full force as I finally felt the strength of God within me. I finally felt the will of God and it made me feel powerful. I finally knew the reason why and I could feel it in every part of my being. God has great plans for me. Plans far greater than I could ever imagine or hope for. God is going to use me in amazing ways, and He will if I only let Him.

Satan knows my strength and it scares him.

Satan could see the strength of God within me, altough I couldn't see it myself. He's trying to make me weaker by his constant attacks. He wants to exhaust me to the point that I can no longer fight. 

I know your battle tactics now, Satan. I know your strategy and your military plans.

And with my Protector and his armies of angels surrounding me, I declare war.  

True Story:

I went to VBS at Jackson Park tonight with Daniel and Bethany and Morgan (a couple of cuties from our youth group). Afterward we all decided to go out to eat with our good friend (and pesky older brother figure for me) Heath Pickard. It was late, everything was closed (10 p.m. on a Monday isn't a very good time to eat dinner), so we opted for Waffle House. We went to one on McGavock Pike and as I was really hungry, I ordered a triple order of hashbrowns triple covered (Up to this point, hashbrowns had always been one of my top five favorite foods). So, we get our food and start to eat. The first few bites were good, but then I took another bite and it didn't taste right. It had a funny taste, not horrible, but not hashbrowns. I couldn't place it at first. It was strange in my mouth. A few seconds later I realized that it was a minty fresh flavor, like Winterfresh gum. My mind was racing as I was trying to figure out why my hashbrowns tasted like Winterfresh. Had I been chewing gum before the meal? Was it just my imagination? Was I going crazy? The room seemed to spin as my thoughts moved through my head so quickly in those few seconds. And then I swallowed. And I felt the piece of gum go down my throat. Was it my own? No. It belonged to one of the illustrious Waffle House workers. I tried to be very polite to the waitress as I told her about the situation and had her take it off my bill. Then Daniel told me that he saw the waitress tell the cook who started laughing. Why would it be funny to put your nasty old chewed up gum in someone's food? That is so cruel. And we had all been very polite up to this point. My stomach has been churning ever since. I don't think I will ever eat at Waffle House or eat hashbrowns ever again, which is sad because I've always loved hashbrowns. If I get hepatitis or the funk from that piece of gum, I'm suing.

"When you have come to the edge of all the light you know
and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is acknowleding that one of two thing will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on, or--
You will be taught to fly."
                                                     --Anonymous

Currently Reading Seasons of the Heart/Four Complete Novels in One Book By Janette Oke see related

Well, I've survived the initial effects of Phall's moving out. I've had a very emotional few days, and I think I need a really good cry to let out all of the tension that is building up inside. Last night was very difficult. I sat around and helped Phallen pack a few things while trying to hold back tears (she would have just made fun of me because she really isn't going far away and we don't live together when I'm at school anyway). I just can't believe she is really old enough to be doing this, and I really feel like now, my family has officially split up and everyone has gone their separate ways. Only I don't know what way to go. Today my mom and Daniel and I helped her move into her apartment. It's a pretty big apartment and they have a really big pool and a playground (perfect for the nephews). I'm sure Phallen will enjoy living there, and it will be nice to have her close to work and Lipscomb. It still is really difficult to accept the change, and it is hard being at the apartment alone at night since my mom has already been staying at Sherman's every night. Phallen took the bed my mom had been using here at the apartment, so my mom won't stay here ever again. Although I feel really grown up, having this apartment all to myself and all, I also feel really lonely.
This morning, as I was driving to Daniel's and listening to the radio, they were talking about the London attacks and said that Lipscomb student Elizabeth Hollman left 15 minutes earlier than usual for work and had she left on time, she would have been caught in all of the chaos. For those of you who know Elizabeth, I'm sure that you absolutely love her as I do, and this made me really emotional as well. (I'm sure everything else going on in my life right now didn't help). And it took all I had not to break down, and I didn't want to do that before I got to Daniel's house. God is just so great and so awesome and so amazing and so loving and all-knowing. He is the ultimate Protector and I praise Him for looking out for me and my family and those whom I love. Last fall, I would meet three lovely women at Starbuck's on Mondays to have some devotional time and Elizabeth was one of those ladies. I just couldn't imagine something horrific happening to her.
So, I met Daniel this morning and rode out to Spring Hill with him this morning. On the way there, we were conversating and he brought up a conversation that he had yesterday with two of his roommates, both fairly recently single. They were saying that the single life is the way to go and you can't be sure if you have found the right one until you have dated around and you can never find the perfect person on the first try, etc. And my dear, sweet Daniel told them that he didn't agree because he had found me (this month it will be 4 years and 9 months ago) and I'm the perfect person for him and he would never be the person he is today without me. He said that he probably wouldn't be a Christian without me and he wouldn't be at Lipscomb without me and he wouldn't be going into preaching without me. He said that I've had such a positive impact on his life and he knows that is why God brought us together at such a young age. I'm not sure how I held back the tears, but I did because I was afraid that given all the things on my heart right now, I would have an emotional breakdown. Besides, I made him watch "The Notebook" the other night (he liked it a lot), and I had an emotional breakdown because of that movie (how could a girl not?) and I seriously couldn't stop crying for 30 minutes afterwards (yes, even though I've seen it before) because it reminds me so much of my granny who had alzheimer's and I'm afraid my mom will suffer the same way and possibly even myself. It is seriously one of the most painful experiences of my life, to visit my granny whom I loved dearly and know that she had no idea of who I was.
At any rate, I have been very loosely held together these past few days, and I really just need another good cry. And then some really corny jokes. (Don't you think it's funny that we refer to such a sense of humor as corny or cheesy and those are both foods? Wonder why that is.)